Eurovision week has arrived, and all the joy it brings. This year, I've decided to skip watching the semi-finals, and just watch the final live (I'll watch them afterwards, obviously). By doing this, all the acts are a surprise, just like when I first starting getting into Eurovision (the 1990s).
So, to achieve this, I'm on holidays in a Eurovision-free zone: Italy. Anyway, without further ado, here's my Eurovision ru-down for 2009.
Utterly silly, camp nonsense, and a magical way to open to the show. In a word: fun
- Czech Republic
Gypsy rap that's much more ridiculous than it should be - Gypsy.cz is good enough in his own right. In a word: disheartening
Elvis look-a-like claiming Elvis is stealing his act. In a word: genius.
Dull rock ballad. In a word: boring.
The first of this year's opera-pop entries, with added camp. Malena is brilliant, but this is like asking Judi Dench to do an Iceland advert. In a word: kitsch.
Novelty tune, novelty dance routine, fabulous novelty costumes & hats. In a word: routine.
Catchy guitar pop tune that bounces merrily along. In a word: Nice.
Pet Shop Boys, with guitars. In a word: unsung.
Likeable ethnopop dancing fluff, and hurrah for it. In a word: pulsey
With singers from both sides of Israel, this could be corny. But it will be alive on stage. In a word: heartfelt.
The second of the opera-pops, with added ethno-warbling. In a word: desperate
Is it true? A moving ballad about loss and ending? How very Iceland in 2008/2009 financial year. In a word: moving
- FYRO Macedonia
Not memorable in the least. In a word: forgettable.
A happy poppy dance song. About failure. Brilliantly Finnish. In a word: misanthropic
Pop poppy about Bucharest's banging babes. In a word: tonic&lime.
Sweet, lovely, Portuguese ditty. In a word: obrigado.
Third time lucky for Chiara with this ballad? In a word: handjabs
Delightfully rousing Balkan ethno-rock ballad. In a word: revolutionary
An Aegean-esque folk song supplanted to Dalmatia. Nice, but nothing new. In a word: lully
I say it's Ireland's best entry in years. Girlband rockpop with nice line in shimmying. In a word: etc
Russia kraut-rock. Big in the hall, undoubtedly. In a word: null
Big-haired bloke and his old mate singing a daft song about shoes. In a word: overdone
Nice ballad, delivered well. I'd like to like it more than I actually do. In a word: true
Sweet love song hidden within some muscular Vikings-in-the-Urals fiddling. Great. In a word: winner?
Sweet, swooshing story song. Maybe too big for its performer, sadly. In a word: fleeting
A dull, plodding duet. In a word: snoozy
It is Ronan Keating, in disguise. Good, if you like that kind of thing. (And plenty do). In a word: commercial
Violins ahoy, and a singer trilling behind a screen. Did you expect her to be blonde? I didn't! In a word: crescendo
It's called Dance With Me, but should be Camp Like Me. In a word: gay
A catchy dirge. In a word: infectious
Gym-toned Sakis leads an aerobics class, while singing a song. Olivia Newton-John for the naughties. In a word: flex
It's sweeping, impressive, and he wears a nice hat. The hat is the thing I like best. In a word: sweet
Great red boots for Nelly, the singer of this Slavic-ethno-pop dancing riot. Nelly! In a word: bonkers
A pseudo-thumping dance tune with nobody dancing. In a word: hopeful. Sadly, it may be forgotten because here comes...
Riotious, surreal, almost nasty. And all the more amazing for it. BOM! This will have a huge performance. In a word: bumpy
Delightfully ethereal song, good contrast to what comes before. All it needs is some Kate Bush-esque hand waving. In a word: mystical
Three camp old dears in shiny suits belt out a shiny song called Shine. In a word: shiny
Wonderfully dramatic, brooding chanson ballad. Classy. In a word: superb
Some lady warbling about her mother, or is it Russia? Who knows, who cares? In a word: orphan
Novely song, sounding like Mambo No 5, with Dita Von Teese in the background. In a word: Inexplicable.
- United Kingdom
She's been down, down so long. And now the song's in your heard for the rest of the day. Strong performance expected. In a word: classy.
The super sound of a fun night in Fuengirola! In a word: fiesta
And that's it. Who will win? My money's on Norway, and I'd love to see UK, Spain, Estonia, Ukraine, Belgium and Ireland do well.